Log kya kahenge........

This story was forwarded to me in an email. You might have read or heard it earlier, but it still is good for a laugh every time you come across it!

There was this village pastor who entered his donkey in a race and it won..

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper carried this headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop upon reading this fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This caused the bishop a minor heart attack. He ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . .. Being overly concerned about public opinion can bring you untold grief and misery!

In the arms of another woman

A popular motivational speaker was invited to give a speech to a sales team. And he was very good at his craft. He was trying to explain to them the importance of grabbing the client's attention, even if that meant using unconventional methods. The audience was getting bored and started fidgeting in their seats and whispering amongst themselves.

In the middle of his speech, sensing the audience's lack of interest, the speaker declared: "I have spent the best years of my life in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

There was pindrop silence in the hall and the speaker had everyones eyes and ears glued on him.

And then he casually added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause. The sales team really appreciated what the speaker demonstrated with his powerful example.

A week later, a salesman who had attended this training session tried to crack this very same joke at home. He was slightly inebriated after a couple of drinks.

He said loudly to his wife, "The best times of my life were spent in the arms of another woman."

The wife went purple in shock and rage and turned her full blinding glare on her husband.

The salesman fidgeted for half a minute under her stare and grew nervous trying to recall the punch line.

"Well.............." the wife prodded.

The salesman finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was!"


Moral of the story: Don't start what you can't finish!!!

The Attack of the Killer Rabbit

It was a long time back, but I first heard the story of the killer rabbit attack on President Carter in 1979 or 1980, and how he fought the rabbit back. I found it hilarious then because I, and everyone else believed rabbits can't swim and that rabbits do not attack people. I always thought that this incident was a figment of his imagination. That was that and I did not read much about that story later. But the connection in my mind had been made. Talk about Carter and in my mind the story of the killer rabbit attack would resurface. He was either the peanut-lover or the rabbit-attacked in my memory.

Well, it turns out that one particular species of the rabbit can swim. The swamp rabbit is a skilled swimmer. And that this particular incident had been photographed. But this photo was not published until the Reagan presidency. This is the photograph which is in the public domain now, courtesy of the Jimmy Carter Library

You can see the rabbit swimming away on the far right.

The moral of the story is that one should take care in dismissing anything out of hand. We evaluate things according to the information available to us at the time and that truth is sometimes stranger than fiction.

Why the chicken crossed the road

As answered by politicians and other famous folks

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

John McCain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialog with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day one - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Dick Cheney: Where's my gun?

Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of us chickens.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain, alone.

Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

h/t: Spartacus

How the financial markets actually work

It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days of contemplation, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?' 

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter. '

The chief again went back to his people and told them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely' , the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever. '

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. 

The weatherman replied, 'One of the key components of our forecast model, The Red Indians, are collecting firewood like crazy. That is how we deduced that this winter will be the coldest ever.'

And that my friends, is how the financial markets actually work!!!

h/t RamSarit

Drenched in Bangalore

It is exactly six weeks today to this incident and now I can look back at it in a more rational way. So this is how it happened:

We are outside the Forum mall in Bangalore and trying to hire an auto to take us back to our hotel. I enquire in broken english and hindi if the auto driver can take us to *** hotel in ShantiNagar.

'ShantiNagar? OK, OK.'
'*** Hotel, ShantiNagar.'
'OK, OK. 60Rupees, OK?'
'OK.'

And so we get into the auto and after about 20 minutes of maneuvering, the auto stops at a cross roads and the driver inquires the shopkeepers around there where the *** hotel is located. He finds out that it is about a kilometer and half away from where we are standing. So he informs me:

'Forty rupees more, Sir, very far.'
'Why? I told you I wanted to go to the *** hotel right from the beginning.'
'This ShantiNagar. Sixty rupees here only.'

So we started arguing and I got out of the auto just as a heavy downpour started. Both of us kept on arguing heatedly through the downpour and got fully drenched. In the end, the auto driver requested me to get back into the auto as it was raining heavily. But would I budge? Of course not, I wanted to make a point. So I located a traffic policeman on duty and brought him in to solve the problem. After listening to both sides, he dispensed justice and told the auto driver to drop me back exactly from where he picked me up and told me not to pay him anything. He was getting drenched as well and immediately ran away to find shelter. Leaving me fuming.

Did I want to go back to the Forum Mall? After pondering on this for a few minutes, I got back into the auto and told him to locate the hotel and drop me there, which he did. I paid him the full 100 rupees that he had been asking for. He was actually surprised as he was not expecting this and thanked me profusely before driving away.

This incident raises two questions. Why can't Bangalore autos ply according to the meter? Every auto seems to have one. Perhaps people have grown accustomed to bargaining for the fare in advance, instead of relying on the meter. More importantly, why did I make such a fuss if I, in the end, paid him what he had been asking for?

Why you earn what you earn

Some years ago, three brothers left the farm to work in the city. They were all hired by the same company at the same pay. Three years later, Jim was being paid $500 a month, Frank was receiving $1,000, but George was now making $1,500.

Their father decided to visit the employer. He listened to the confused father and said, "I will let the boys explain for themselves."

Jim was summoned to the supervisor's office and was told, "Jim, I understand the Far East Importers has just brought in a large transport plane loaded with Japanese import goods. Will you please go over to the airport and get a cargo inventory?"

Three minutes later, Jim returned to the office. "The cargo was one thousand bolts of Japanese silk," Jim reported. "I got the information over the telephone from a member of the crew."

When Jim left, Frank, the $1,000 a month brother, was called. "Frank," said the supervisor, "I wish you'd go out to the airport and get an inventory of the cargo plane which was just brought in by Far East Importers."

An hour later, Frank was back in the office with a list showing that the plane carried 1,000 bolts of Japanese silk, 500 transistor radios, and 1,000 hand painted bamboo trays. George, the $1,500 a month brother, was given identical instructions. Working hours were over when he finally returned.

"The transport plane carried one thousand bolts of Japanese silk," he began. "It was on sale at sixty dollars a bolt, so I took a two-day option on the whole lot.

I have wired a designer in New York offering the silk at seventy-five dollars a bolt. I expect to have the order tomorrow. I also found five hundred transistor radios, which I sold over the telephone at a profit of $2.30 each.

There were a thousand bamboo trays, but they were of poor quality, so I didn't try to do anything with them."

When George left the office, the employer smiled. "You probably noticed," he said, "that Jim doesn't do what he's told, Frank does only what he'd told, but George does without being told."
__________________
h/t: darsh1994

Take a nap....

A bear was walking across Rainbow Bridge (Old Hwy 40 at Donner Summit, Truckee) on Saturday when two cars also crossing the bridge scared the bear into jumping over the edge of the bridge. Somehow the bear caught the ledge and was able to pull itself to safety.
Authorities decided that nothing could be done to help Saturday night so they returned Sunday morning to find the bear sound asleep on the ledge.
After securing a net under the bridge the bear was tranquilized, fell into the net, lowered, then woke up and walked out of the net.





There is a moral to this story, you know; this old bear made a wrong move and found he was hanging by his nails. Somehow he was able to pull himself up onto the ledge where he saw he was in a very bad, impossible situation and what did he do? Yep, he took a nap and sure enough the situation took care of itself while he was asleep.
The moral of the story is that when confronted with a bad situation sometimes the best solution is to take a nap....

H/T: Jump

Human Resources Manager

(h/t RamSarit)

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-


Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you are an employee!!!

Stop Clapping!!!

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is
for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who
have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recemt rural elementary school assembly in East Texas ,
he asked the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he
started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds,
holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I
clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun
violence'.

Then little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl,
pierced the quiet and said:

"Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping". (Hat Tip: Jump)

Technorati Tags:humour, life
Generated By Technorati Tag Generator